hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
