you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
