So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
