dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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