upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
