between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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