i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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