Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
