One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
