What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
