Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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