In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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