You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
