So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
