How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
