Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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