Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
