why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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