Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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