"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
