Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
