I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize