a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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