DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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