just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
