Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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