I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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