I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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