I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Randomize
