when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
