I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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