I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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