Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
