My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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