just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Come on in and take your pants off
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
