Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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