i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
