I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize