I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
