I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think people are normalizing furries
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
