I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
