Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
