I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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