oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
