Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
