my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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