It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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