I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
