I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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