Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
