Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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