yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
there was a trapeze. enough said
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
