if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
