How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
