I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
