finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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