i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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