the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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