It's Friday. Sex?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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