As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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