I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
