just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
