dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
