I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
