I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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