I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
