there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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