I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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