and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
