He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
