Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
