are you still at the devil's house?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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