my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
