I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
