ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
