The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
