Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
