Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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